Decisions

Last week was almost torturingly uneventful, with no work, and not feeling very well, it gave me lots, and lots of time to contemplate life. The thing I came back to over and over and over again were decisions. That's what life is, it is a series of decisions, what to watch, what to eat, how fast to drive, what to wear, who to be friends with.

There are bigger decisions in life, more than what to wear, what movie to go see, what to eat today, or not to eat today (because really I should, at this point stop eating), and I realized, that I make decisions based almost solely on how to make my beautiful, funny, spunky, silly 11 year old daughters life better. When it comes to the major things, the things I think about are always how does this affect her. How will this decision change her life, will it shape it for better or for worse, and I always struggle with this, because really I have no idea.

The decision i am weighing at the moment, while I look at my own life and the things that I do eventually want for myself.  The decision while I think, and almost weep at the fact that she is, in 2 weeks officially half way to graduating high school, and will be off to college, and essentially a grown up herself, is that I really want to go back to school, I really really really want to go Nursing school. I really want to be proud of myself, and tell people that I am nurse. I really want to feel like I am making a difference in the world, not just my life, but the WORLD.

But to do this, for myself, to actually be able to do this, and do it right, requires all of us to sacrifice, sacrifice a great deal really, and how do I ask my daughter, my husband, to do this for me. To literally change life as we know it, and sail for warmer, maybe turbulent waters until I get through this process, that ultimately makes all of our lives better, because it will, it really will, once its over with.

All of these decisions cause me major anxiety, for real anxiety, dizzy, heart racing all while palpating, anxiety to the degree of fuck it, lets not change anything, lets live this life forever. Is it possible to stay just like this? With the constant struggle to pay the bills? The answer is obvious. So everyone keeps telling me. I only have one choice to make. If I could make it right now I know what the answer is. But in an hour, it could change.

Why is life so complicated?  I remember a time when it wasn't, it wasn't that long ago. 12 years really. a time when on a whim, I could pack up everything I owned, and fit it my car, and drive some place knew. It never even mattered where. It didn't require finding a place to live first, or a job, or caring which school district I lived in. It just required enough cash for gas. Now I feel like every decision I make, the whole weight of the worlds happiness falls on my shoulders, if I make the wrong choice, the world suffers. Because maybe that's true. My daughter is the world, if I fail her, I fail the world too....

It's not my JOB!!!

It's not my job, that is how I feel most days. It might be unfair to the rest of my household. But on the average day, I feel like that with work and the rest of life. That the house is not my job. I don't mean this as "not my job" Like it's never my job. I mean it isn't just my job.

This is of course, maybe not true, or apparently everyone else in this house seems to think that's not true. Like having a severe allergy to something, the kitchen seems to fall to me, sometimes multiple times a day, even if I cook, it still seems to fall to me,solely, the responsibility to clean it up, either after myself, or after the others.

If it were up to my husband, only his laundry would be clean, we would never have clean sheets, and we would have to go along washing plates and silverware as we need them, because "putting them away" would mean they live in the sink in eternal filthyness. (there are the occasional moments of "hey babe, look what I did" which then require a good job and a pat on the back for loading the dishwasher)

If it were up to my Daughter, well, we would have pieces of paper covering the floor instead of carpet, and our underwear strewn from the front door, to the back. We would have tiny rubber bands from the rainbow loom as added decoration with the paper floor covering, and all we would ever eat was chocolate and Taki's (which are mexican chips, and so spicy they make her sleep walk if she eats to many).

On the weekends that my husbands boys are here, well this just falls into a whole new category, the loudness, and the super early weekend mornings, and the endless amounts of food that boys eat vs what girls do. It's actually probably a post for some other time...

Maybe I should clarify, I love them all dearly, I really do, and on average, on my weekday off from work, I don't always mind doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, cooking dinner, cleaning the kitchen again, and if I feel like it maybe cleaning up the bathrooms, and vacuuming, washing all the sheets, and then showering myself, and trying to help my daughter with 6th grade homework, that I seem woefully unprepared to help her with.

But the immature person in me, the one that is tired, the one that wants someone, anyone else to be responsible for feeding my family, that person really just wants to sit around and watch supernatural, well really the majority of shows on the CW, it could fill my day, I'd be happy, and my family would starve, and live in squalor.

I guess, really then it is my job, and I must go do it, so I'm off to shower myself, and then pretend like I know how to make a healthy well balanced meal, and hope I don't just give up and feed pizza rolls again, since all the other stuff is in the freezer, frozen waiting to be defrosted, and whipped up into some lovely meal that mothers on pinterest are more equipped to make than I am.

(please don't judge them for my venting ramblings, really they are both amazing, and my husband does so many other things, and treats me like a princess bringing me glasses of water, or cookies because I am to lazy to get off my ass and get them for myself. Sometimes that actually matters more, and sometimes I really wish that the frying pan that has been sitting in the sink for 3 days would be scrubbed and rinsed and put away!!! like really how does nobody else see that freaking frying pan????)

Green eggs and ham

hand crafts

I just realized that I didn't have most of my hand crafts on here. so I thought I would add them all at once, this is mostly from last winter. as this winter I have had a hard time feeling inspired for much more than sleep. although this week I feel inspired to make things, and create change in my world. maybe it is because of the return of the light, I am not sure. but whatever it is. I want to make things. a lot of things. and then I go outside and get depressed all over again that it isn't 80 degrees. 

little blue bird, he's about the size of a jumbo egg

7 strand blue cotton bracelet

moo cow

moo cow's bootie

it's a pigs face

and a pigs butt

red and white flower 3 strand head band

a little bunny softie I made for some friends of mine

yellow birdie

yellow birdie tail, shake 'em

My lunch

Ok obviously I need to find my camera and stop using my phone for pictures, especially because it doesn't have a flash. well we shall all have to deal with my crap phone for the moment. but you should, bad picture aside, make this burrito for lunch :)

This burrito is yummy.

2 eggs
2 tbsp cream (or milk if that's all you got)
a good handful of spinach torn up, or cut, or whatever you like to do to not have be whole leafs
a sprinkle of parmesan cheese
2 oz of shredded mozzarella
one sausage patty, I used morningstar farms sausage (which is soy, not meat, but if you have to have meat go for it) broken up into almost crumbles
salt and pepper
flour tortilla
hummus

scramble up the eggs and cream and mozzarella cheese, with some salt and pepper, and the spinach, and poor into a hot pan, add the sausage, and sprinkle over all of it the parm. cook like you would normal scrambled eggs. put a smear of the hummus in the middle of the tortilla, when eggs are done roll them out on top of the hummus, roll up like a burrito, and enjoy, as always :)

Parm crusted chicken

Oh lordy, so my co-author forced me into this website pinterest. holy smokes. this is the most addicting thing I have ever done on the web. it's crazy. but it has inspired me so far for: clothes, design ideas, travel, and most importantly food. I am hoping this weekend that I will make some of the yummiest things I have found. chai pancakes with black tea poached plums for breakfast yum, super yum. or mini banana cream pies, nutella pudding and or nutella cheese cake. I don't even know.  I did make this yum yum chicken, super easy and such a hit the girly even asked for it in her lunch (with re-heating instructions) amazing, she has never ever asked me to do that. so I guess that says something. I paired it with some french bread, and a Caesar salad (the kit not home made) and viola, dinner in 30 minutes with about 15 or less total prep minutes. 

pre-heat oven to 425F

4 chicken breasts

1/2 cup mayo

1/4 Parmesan cheese

1 tsp pepper

4 tbsp Italian season bread crumbs

lay the chicken out on a baking sheet (I lined the baking sheet with tin foil, super easy clean up) mix the mayo, cheese and pepper together, spread this mixture evenly over each chicken piece, top each chicken with 1 tbsp of the bread crumbs. bake for 20-30 minutes (the actual recipe says 20, but it took mine 30) as always enjoy.

(I got this recipe from bestfoods.com, I added the pepper, and I actually think I will play with it some more next time. I will post an update next time I make this)

Lazy lasagna bolognese

First of all, this isn't really lasagna, but I got the base of the recipe from rachael ray, and that's what she calls it. This meal has some how become the family favorite. Well misters Favorite for sure, he requests it constantly and I have to tell him I can't make that tonight, it's a bit labor intensive, but so good. The girly loves it and almost always has seconds of it as well, which is absolutely not normal for her, in fact, I normally have to coax her into eating at all. so if your family likes pasta, this is will be a success. My family happens to love pasta, we eat a lot of it, although I know it probably doesn't look like it from this blog. but really it's about 3 times a week. 

Lasagna Bolognese

horrible picture sorry, at least it's here :)

1 box of noodles. you can use whatever you like really. I think it works best with either macaroni, or bow-tie. but rigatoni, ziti, even spaghetti broken down works well. if you are serving for guests (which this feeds an army) I would pick fancier noodles myself. 

1 carrot

1 small onion, or 1/2 a large

finally chopped, set aside.

prep 4 cloves of garlic for the garlic press.

1.5 lbs pounds of ground lean meat. (the actual recipe calls for ground lamb, but that is hard for me to find here in wyoming. beef works well, turkey would be good, a combination of meat would work too, whatever suits you)

1 tbsp oregano or marjoram

1 tbsp rosemary

1 tsp salt and pepper, or to your personal taste

1/2 tsp ground cloves

1/4 cup tomato paste

3 cups of stock (I usually do 2 cups chicken broth one cup beef. you could also do 2 cups beef broth one cup dry white wine. I find though that the more beef broth you add the richer it becomes. so experiment)

Béchamel sauce

3 tbsp butter
2 tbsp flour
2.5 c milk
salt and pepper to taste
tsp nutmeg (which I measure in my hand and usually end up for taste adding closer to 2 tsp)

Cheeses

1.5 c of Ricotta mixed with 1.5 tbsp basil (again I measure in my palm, so this is a guess, but close to actual measurement)
1 c Parmesan
1/2 c Mozzarella

in a dutch oven brown the meat (drain if there is to much fat or liquid left once brown) add the carrots onions and garlic, stir and let cook down for a few minutes. start the water for the noodles (cook noodles to aldente, they will get some extra cook time so if you cook them all the way they will get to soft), add the spices, and stir all to combine. let cook for a few more minutes, add the tomato paste and stir well to combine, cook until the tomato paste becomes fragrant, 2-3 minutes. add the stock and let it simmer.

while the noodles are cooking, and the sauce is simmering, melt the 3 tbsp of butter in a sauce pan, once melted add the 2 tbsp flour and whisk to eliminate lumps. add the milk and whisk again. add salt, pepper, nutmeg, continue to whisk the sauce, it will start to thicken up. taste it and see if you need to add more spices. once the sauce is thicker than heavy cream, turn down heat. (this needs to be stirred pretty constantly or the flour binds to the bottom of the pan and doesn't not do it's job as a thickener)

drain noodles and add them to the meat sauce, combine well, make sure the sauce is mixed well into the noodles, poor the bechamel sauce over the meat sauce and noodles, do not stir. top with dollops of the ricotta cheese, the sprinkle with the parmesan and mozzarella, pop under the broiler for about 10 minutes. until the cheese is bubbly and brown, as always enjoy :)