Decisions

Last week was almost torturingly uneventful, with no work, and not feeling very well, it gave me lots, and lots of time to contemplate life. The thing I came back to over and over and over again were decisions. That's what life is, it is a series of decisions, what to watch, what to eat, how fast to drive, what to wear, who to be friends with.

There are bigger decisions in life, more than what to wear, what movie to go see, what to eat today, or not to eat today (because really I should, at this point stop eating), and I realized, that I make decisions based almost solely on how to make my beautiful, funny, spunky, silly 11 year old daughters life better. When it comes to the major things, the things I think about are always how does this affect her. How will this decision change her life, will it shape it for better or for worse, and I always struggle with this, because really I have no idea.

The decision i am weighing at the moment, while I look at my own life and the things that I do eventually want for myself.  The decision while I think, and almost weep at the fact that she is, in 2 weeks officially half way to graduating high school, and will be off to college, and essentially a grown up herself, is that I really want to go back to school, I really really really want to go Nursing school. I really want to be proud of myself, and tell people that I am nurse. I really want to feel like I am making a difference in the world, not just my life, but the WORLD.

But to do this, for myself, to actually be able to do this, and do it right, requires all of us to sacrifice, sacrifice a great deal really, and how do I ask my daughter, my husband, to do this for me. To literally change life as we know it, and sail for warmer, maybe turbulent waters until I get through this process, that ultimately makes all of our lives better, because it will, it really will, once its over with.

All of these decisions cause me major anxiety, for real anxiety, dizzy, heart racing all while palpating, anxiety to the degree of fuck it, lets not change anything, lets live this life forever. Is it possible to stay just like this? With the constant struggle to pay the bills? The answer is obvious. So everyone keeps telling me. I only have one choice to make. If I could make it right now I know what the answer is. But in an hour, it could change.

Why is life so complicated?  I remember a time when it wasn't, it wasn't that long ago. 12 years really. a time when on a whim, I could pack up everything I owned, and fit it my car, and drive some place knew. It never even mattered where. It didn't require finding a place to live first, or a job, or caring which school district I lived in. It just required enough cash for gas. Now I feel like every decision I make, the whole weight of the worlds happiness falls on my shoulders, if I make the wrong choice, the world suffers. Because maybe that's true. My daughter is the world, if I fail her, I fail the world too....